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For years, upon years, i’ve been turning to writing to save some part of myself and who I am in visual form. Usually I paint, draw, photograph, or even just sit in music. But through my writing I get to vent and rant and put little obscurities in that are truly who I am, but that I’ve never shared or even shown. And most of you, if you’re familiar with me, probably didn’t even know I wrote. So I’ve decided that these poems are not doing any good just sitting in the pages of my oh so carefully hand-crafted note pad. So I’m sharing them with you, mainly for myself, but maybe for you in some small way. So here’s my visual unwinding.
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im stranded in this ocean of fear;
fear of love. fear of life. fear of myself. fear of the uncomfortable.
boat after boat travel by,
but i do nothing and they do not see.
i cry out to the heavens for God to save me,
but His absence is made clear.
what have i done to feel this way?
how is my heart in such a panic?
what don’t i understand. who i am.
who God is. why the hell He has me here.
Or did i run. did i run into this hole with full force
and didn’t see the hurricane inside.
wave after wave i want to crumble into myself.
acknowledging death as the only way out.
as the ocean began to seep into my pores,
i hear myself sigh a sign of relief.
out of no where
i begin to scream.
i scream for my life. what is was supposed to be.
what it has become.
who i am because of this storm.
who my God is, though He never saved me.
i let out every feeling of how much i sucked at life.
how much i longed for love.
why i claimed to love adventure.
why i never took a chance.
i let out every issue within my heart. of fear. of trust.
of failure. of beauty. of temptation. of freedom.
of love. of lust. of recognition. of forgiveness.
of compassion. of remorse. of unworthiness.
and as my body began to fail me,
i took one last breathe and said,
“Father, forgive me.”
and ocean stopped roaring.
all was stilled. motionless. at peace.
and there my body drifted,
into the surpassing unknown,
however, my soul smiled.
i knew He had found me.
-September 30, 2010
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