mysterious rhythms.

For years, upon years, i’ve been turning to writing to save some part of myself and who I am in visual form. Usually I paint, draw, photograph, or even just sit in music. But through my writing I get to vent and rant and put little obscurities in that are truly who I am, but that I’ve never shared or even shown. And most of you, if you’re familiar with me, probably didn’t even know I wrote. So I’ve decided that these poems are not doing any good just sitting in the pages of my oh so carefully hand-crafted note pad. So I’m sharing them with you, mainly for myself, but maybe for you in some small way.  So here’s my visual unwinding.

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im stranded in this ocean of fear;
fear of love. fear of life. fear of myself. fear of the uncomfortable.

boat after boat travel by,
but i do nothing and they do not see.
i cry out to the heavens for God to save me,
but His absence is made clear.

what have i done to feel this way?
how is my heart in such a panic?
what don’t i understand. who i am.
who God is. why the hell He has me here.
Or did i run. did i run into this hole with full force
and didn’t see the hurricane inside.
wave after wave i want to crumble into myself.
acknowledging death as the only way out.

as the ocean began to seep into my pores,
i hear myself sigh a sign of relief.

out of no where
i begin to scream.
i scream for my life. what is was supposed to be.
what it has become.
who i am because of this storm.
who my God is, though He never saved me.
i let out every feeling of how much i sucked at life.
how much i longed for love.
why i claimed to love adventure.
why i never took a chance.
i let out every issue within my heart. of fear. of trust.
of failure. of beauty. of temptation. of freedom.
of love. of lust. of recognition. of forgiveness.
of compassion. of remorse. of unworthiness.

and as my body began to fail me,
i took one last breathe and said,
“Father, forgive me.”

and ocean stopped roaring.
all was stilled. motionless. at peace.
and there my body drifted,
into the surpassing unknown,
however, my soul smiled.
i knew He had found me.

-September 30, 2010

thanks jules. love this song.

Do you ever hear a song for the very first time, and it instantly makes your heart pound right out of your chest and your gut turn into a little tiny ball?

You fall in love with the song within the first few seconds of it’s playing, and no matter how many times you listen to it, you never grow tired of hearing it.

It’s as if the world around you stops for a moment and all you can hear is the sound of this very great song.

It never gets old. It only gets better.

You can’t help but long to stay in that moment forever. Where the only thing that makes sense is your love for the music and your desire to search out the unknown mysteries of life.

So here is this song for me.

I hope it brings you the same sense of purpose and love for life as it has for me.

I love photography.

I love relationship.

I love art.

I love painting.

I love drawing.

I love creativity.

I love learning.

I love walking.

I love talking.

I love hiking.

I love sunsets.

I love sunrises.

I love being.

I love adventure.

I love living.

I love giving.

I love receiving.

I love fashion.

I love design.

I love writing.

I love seeing.

I love feeling.

I love love.

I love reading.

I love activity.

I love relaxing.

I love traveling.

I love sleeping.

I love food.

I love cooking.

I love baking.

I love eating.

I love coffee.

I love stationary.

I love post-it notes.

I love nail polish.

I love music.

I love singing.

I love listening.

I love camping.

I love summer.

I love winter.

I love fall.

I love spring.

I love rain.

I love snow.

I love animals.

I love people.

I love accessories.

I love peace.

I love maps.

I love globes.

I love teaching.

I love tea.

I love driving.

I love bands.

I love concerts.

I love road trips.

I love family.

I love friends.

I love light.

I love newness.

I love oldness.

I love classics.

I love kids.

I love shoes.

I love clothes.

I love seclusion.

I love God.

I love the feeling of putting all these things into action.

It’s nerve racking.

It’s stomache turning.

It’s pushing myself to be uncomfortable.

It’s life with adventure.

It’s life with love.

Snowed In-Breathe Carolina

i thought the name of this song was appropriate.. considering SNOW IS FALLING, no sorry, VIOLENTLY DESCENDING FROM THE SKY!!! ya. i, unfortunately, got extremely bored after watching two discs of Gilmore Girls, so i decided to venture out into the snowy abyss. i got my nose peirced. it was all very exciting while i was out and about, but now im back at home. bored as hell. the only thing i can do is sit and wait, while listening to awesome tunes of course. thankfully, that makes all this enjoyable.

i walked outside. took this picture. and walked back in. RIDICULOUS WEATHER!

why weather? why?!

even though we don’t always like each other, we love each other. that’s all that matters, right? so get back up when you pack out and don’t be afraid to ask for help. on that note, let’s karate chop each other in the face and listen to some cat power.

sometimes i wish life were more like a fairy tale. actually, more like alice in wonderland. i really extol alice. i know she’s just a character in a movie, but if i could be one disney character, she would be the one i’d pick. her adventurous spirit is so inspiring. i feel kind of silly talking about this cartoon character like she’s a real human being, but i just wish we would stop conforming to other people and that’d we be who we were made to be and that we’d follow our dreams even if they don’t make sense to us or other people at the time. and who are we kidding, it’d be awesome to slay a dragon. i say, live up to your potential, jump off a few cliffs, and don’t let people decide your path for you. go where you need to go and LIVE. like alice.

i don’t have much to say.

or anything at all.

enjoy.

I can very solidly say that this song was the “theme song” for the past weekend. Everywhere we went it’d pop up and entertain us with Train’s sheer blissful intent. All in all, it made for good memories like those made trying to fit into a photo booth, or watching Chicago, Enchanted, and mostly none of Moulin Rouge, or just dressing up and getting hit on by the unappealing version of Mr. Tumnus from The Chronicles of Narnia. Sigh.. i hope Brittany doesn’t die in Europe and I hope Tim doesn’t die at her job. The End. But actually just the Beginning.. who knows, really.